Again

Here I am again facing tiredness and boredom. I don't want to go to sleep because I feel like I'm wasting my time and I want to do something. My bed is calling me but I am resisting. I'm trying to run away from it by any means. I tried listening to music, now I'm writing this post.

What's next? I guess I'm just going to accept the fact that I need to sleep and just go.
It's like I can't wait for tomorrow to come but I don't want to sleep in order to initiate that new day. It's like if I am running away from that switch part.

Anyway, I don't know what I'm writing about. I'm too tired to think. Let's just leave my thoughts for another time.

Good night

why dream when you can try ?

Life is too fucking boring not to try.

Second shot

Here I am again. Bored. As usual. Listening to some romantic, melancholic songs. I mostly wasted my time in the past instead of looking at what was right in front of my eyes. I figured that out last summer. You always find out something new about yourself. There's always something to learn. I always thought things would die with time. But no. The only way to get rid of these thoughts is to deal with them, otherwise, you're stuck with them. Death itself will get rid of everything you ever wanted to get rid, even your life. But hey, if you're realistic and don't believe in some kind of after life, you better deal with things, get over them and continue living because once you're dead, there's no return. It's over. Just like before you were born. Nothing. Nothing before, nothing after.

Everybody needs somebody.
Sometimes I wonder what the hell could I do instead of just laying there in my bed and daydream. Waste my time. Watch it go away. Time doesn't wait, there's no pause button, rewind, no forward, just play. You can press on STOP, but once you do, there's no possibility to press back on Play. Movie is just over. Or you can wait for that button to be pushed and meanwhile, enjoy the movie, make the story, play the main role; the best you can before it's too late.
Life is just a run after time. You never know if you're going to be late. You're always running. Scared to be late to do this or that before death happens. I'm alive today, maybe dead tomorrow. Treat everybody as if they were going to die at midnight. Not bad for a quote. But who cares about people. I'd say live as if you were going to die at midnight. Which means do the things you want to do, tell the things you want to say.
Tell here you want her. Tell her you need her. Tell her you only see her eyes. Tell her you only think about her, all the time, no matter what, everywhere, anyhow, every time. Grab her, kiss her, hug her, smell her, touch her, feel her. That's it, that's all. Love goes away and when it does, you never expected it to do so. You're poor. You have nothing left, because that' what life is all about, love. What else matters ? Nothing. Love for others, love for her, love for yourself. If there's no love, there's death.

Love is like a day, it goes away. But you keep hoping because you know that there will be another.

Now I'm bored of writing. I'll go back, lay down on my bed and do nothing as usual.

Love

Sometimes I wonder what would my life be like if I lived it the way I think. Surely messed up and lonely.
Noticing that the only person who will always love you, no matter what, is your mom and wonder why she loves you makes me shiver. The worst part is that I'm not even trying to make her love me. Her love is just there, immortal. It doesn't really bother me, I'm just curious. Now don't tell me about that mother intuition crap.
Anyway, I'm not trying to be loved by people. I am simply loved by some people. I just wonder why. What makes them love me? Why me? and why does it last ?
Life is short, you get one chance, one shot. When you die, you don't get to see the "Game Over" sign with a restart option under it. So live, do, say. Well, mostly do. Acting is way more important than saying, but yeah...
It's Christmas. I'm not a believer. I consider this day as any other day of the year, just another day. Nothing so special about it. But I have to play the happy guy and wish everyone happy holidays. I also have to force myself to buy gifts for my family. Speaking of which, I suck at buying gifts. I can never figure out what to buy, worse, I can't even get the thought of buying gifts for people. I mostly force myself because I know I will get gifts and that I need to give back something in return. Hard part is finding something. I never know what to buy, I never know, nor notice what people like just to get a slice idea of what to get them. I guess they got used to that. I don't understand why they make such a big deal out of it. Anyway, this is starting to seem like some kind of rebellion from a teenager half gothic half emo.
I can't discribe myself because I don't know who I am and never will.
This isn't some writing where I ask for help or wonder about life. This is just a blog where I waste my time writing some text, some useless and meaningless thoughts that I will surely forget or reject tomorrow.
The only thing I need in my life besides eating, drinking and sleeping is you. Yes you. I can live by my own, I manage myself very well. No complaints here. But having you around changes everything. It's a new life. It's a life worth living. You feel like you're not wasting anything, like every minute is worthy. You don't even feel time passing by.
This post is kind of a melting pot. I'm just throwing ideas randomly.

Let's talk about love.
I can't seem to love someone. Not easily as normal people at least. That's if we can agree on the meaning of normal. The only girl I really loved had a boyfriend and I messed it up so bad I could just die right now. The other girl is also taken, no mess up, yet, but at least I got some kind of friendship. Who cares anyway. Life is boring without you. Family reunions are boring, especially when they come from a different educational background. Everything they say is worthless, meaningless and boring. I'm here, sitting around the table, with them, eating. Everyone is happy and exciting, talking about this and that. Some idiotic subject, non-sens conversations, useless argumentations. I'm here, watching, trying not to listen to this crap and wondering what I am doing here or saying inside me with that Homer voice "boring". There's also this little voice that says, well, it's your family, you have to stay, to endure them. They love you, no matter what. They want you here, with them, at this moment. All I think about is my bed. Sleep is good but also a waste of time. Heck Life itself is a paradox. Let's go back to love. Everyone is happy when they open their gifts, heart beat is high, eyes wide open, big smile. How exciting. The best part is to look at the face of the other person who actually bought the gift. Waiting for some kind of admiration and a thank you or a hug. I'm here sitting next to them and still wondering what I am doing here. And yet, I have been asking myself this question every year since 2006. That's the year when my life actually started. Everything older is just bogus. Rejected. Ignored. Forgotten.